I want to talk about something that has come up this week on my ER shifts this week. The concept of being rooted in integrity and doing what’s right, even when it’s hard. Especially when it would be easier to defend, explain, justify, or harden. 

Because sometimes life hands us moments that feel undeserved, unkind, or sharp around the edges. And in those moments, integrity isn’t loud, it’s quiet, calm and steady. It asks us to rise instead of react. 

Let me tell you about a story from the clinic.

Rooted in Integrity

I'll never forget the first time a client yelled at me, “You’re only in it for the money.”

I was young in my career, probably 6 months out of vet school. At the time, the average veterinary debt was $183,000 (now its at a whopping $203,000) and vets had the highest debt to income ratio of any profession, and still do. 

I remember the heat in my chest, the shock, the injustice of the accusation about my character. I had just poured my heart, blood, sweat and tears into my career, my education, and their pet. I defended myself, and veterinarians across the world, and informed the client about our mission, our heart, our purpose and our professional oath. She was now informed. Good job, Bethany. lol.

I went home replaying it over and over, proud of my act of justice. Until I slowly started realizing, I was trying to prove my good character to someone who had already decided my intent.

But here’s what that moment taught me: that accusation wasn’t about me.

PSYCHOLOGY BACKS THIS UP: Research on emotional projection shows that when people feel powerless, afraid, or overwhelmed, they often externalize their pain onto an available target. In high-stress environments like veterinary medicine, clients are frequently operating from acute grief, fear, and loss of control. When the nervous system is flooded, the brain looks for somewhere to put the pain. I sometimes end up an obvious, but innocent target. 

So I learned empathy, the real kind. I learned to see that person not as cruel, but as sad.
Hurt.
Terrified.
Not knowing what to do with the emotions moving through them. That moment shaped how I practice medicine and how I lead today.

Fast forward to this week. A client was on the floor, overwhelmed, saying the same story. The same words. The same accusation. And something was different. I didn’t spiral. I didn’t defend myself. I didn’t lose sleep.

I looked at them with love.

I knew they were hurting.
I knew they felt alone.
I knew they felt trapped.
I could see their spiral, and I knew, with certainty, that nothing they were saying or doing was about me. It was about the things they needed to work through to learn something in their own journey.

And I knew I was above it.

This is emotional maturity. And it’s trainable.

STEADINESS SPREADS: Neuroscience shows that when someone remains regulated in the presence of another person’s distress, we create co-regulation. The calm nervous system becomes an anchor. Studies on emotional contagion confirm that emotions spread, but so does steadiness. When you don’t match chaos with chaos, you interrupt the spiral.

This is what integrity looks like in real life.
Not proving your worth.
Not winning the moment or justifying.
But choosing to stay aligned with who you are, in your peace and FULL INTEGRITY.

So how can you rise above with integrity when others are spiraling? Here are three simple, science-backed practices you can use immediately:

1. Name the context, not the character.
   Instead of internalizing the attack, remind yourself: This is a person in distress, not a verdict on my character or worth. Cognitive reappraisal studies show this reduces emotional reactivity and prevents rumination.
2. Regulate before you respond.
   Slow your breath. Soften your jaw and shoulders. Even 30–60 seconds of physiological regulation shifts the brain out of threat mode and back into clarity. You cannot meet chaos with wisdom if your nervous system is flooded. Remind yourself, “I am safe.”
3. Choose values over validation.
   Ask yourself: What does integrity look like right now? Acting from values, rather than seeking approval, is associated with lower burnout and higher professional satisfaction in healthcare workers.

This is especially important in veterinary medicine. I work at the intersection of love, loss, money, and fear. People will project. Systems will strain. Emotions will spill.

Integrity is how I stay whole. Integrity is how I prevent self abandonment and energy leaking out all around us.

Reminders for the kind hearts in vet med: 

- You don’t have to absorb what isn’t yours. Create boundaries
- You don’t have to harden to survive. Empathy is a superpower.
- You can be kind without being weak. The love you put out will come back to you.

Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is thank the universe for the lesson while you’re still standing in the middle of it, rooted in integrity.